How to Help Your Child Cope with Disastershock

How to Identify When Your Child is Stressed
How to Reassure Your Child
How to Use Art to Help Your Child Cope With Stress
How to Listen So Your Child Will Talk to You
How to Help Your Child to Relax: Ten Methods

How to Reassure Your Child

When children experience a significant trauma or major loss, there is a range of feelings and behaviors, which are normal, and there are also specific ways in which parents can support their children. Whether the trauma is a natural one, such as a tornado, earthquake, or flood, or whether the trauma is a personal loss such as a death in the family, children will often respond with parallel kinds of emotions to those experienced by adults and they need additional support from people who love them.

When a family or a community is faced with devastating trauma, many parents worry more about their children than they do about themselves. During the period of readjustment, you may ask questions such as "Do my children feel stressed in the same ways that I do?" What is normal behavior for children who have been through an experience like the recent disaster? What can I say or do to help my children through the experience in the most positive way?"

...a major disaster increases the importance of the parents in providing additional support for their children.

There are a few guidelines, which may be helpful for parents who want to encourage their children to express their feelings and talk about their concerns.

First of all, it is important to remember that children grieve losses and react to stress in different ways than adults do. They are not just miniature adults... they see and think and feel different things, depending on their developmental ages, their personalities, how they perceived the threat of what has occurred, and a number of other factors. For example, the child who was playing, was immediately protected and comforted by a parent, and noticed little, would have a far different reaction than a child who was terrified having been temporarily left alone in a house where there was major damage and devastation. Supporting the two children would require different kinds and different amounts of reassurance because the children's perceptions were so different.

To use a different example, an infant or toddler doesn't think about disasters, and can't conceive of what the term even means. But the child can feel the emotions of the people around him or her, see the distress on their faces, and sense the loss. What the child needs most from a parent is increased holding, touching, and being reassured in primary ways like rocking, singing, and just being close. On the other hand, a child between the ages of 5 and 7 understands somewhat more, but is still unable to grasp the totality of what has occurred. This child may express feelings directly through tears, anger, or fear of another disaster, or express feelings indirectly by having increased temper tantrums, being suddenly afraid of the dark, being reluctant to go to school, or in some other way. It is most helpful if a parent can accept such expressions and reassure the child that such feelings are normal, that the child is not a failure, and that dealing with change and stressful feelings are different for everyone. Reassuring a child that you understand is the first step in helping the child to rebuild independence and self-esteem.

Opening the door to talk about feelings associated with the disaster can be done in a number of ways. Sharing your own thoughts and feelings can be one way of beginning. For example: "Today on TV I saw some people talking and they were pretty worried about having another disaster. I worry about that too sometimes, and I wondered how you feel? Do you worry about this now? What is your biggest worry?" Using questions that begin with HOW, WHAT, WHY, WHEN, WHERE, often encourage a child to explore feelings more than questions that can be answered by "yes" or "no". For example: "How did you feel when the disaster occurred? What did you think was happening? Why do you think it happened? When were you most worried? What do you think we should do if it happens again?"

Some children will be eager to talk and others might find it easier to draw or act out their feelings. Sometimes "practicing" what your family will do helps children to be in touch with feelings that they would otherwise deny. Acting out scenarios of how the family will find safe places and take care of each other is reassuring and helps a child feel more in control of the outcome. Inviting a child to help assemble a family kit to be ready should a flood, tornado, or earthquake occur and deciding where to put the flashlights, batteries and the transistor radio is therapeutic for everyone.

Some children, despite your encouragement, may choose not to talk or express their feelings. This is OK, too. There is no rule that says that you have to talk... lack of talking does not mean lack of feelings: it may indicate, rather, a need for time.

We all work out things in our own timing. Just leaving the door open and encouraging the child is a gift. Reassure your child that your child is doing a very good job of growing up and being a great kid. In the end, some children will have cried, others will have few or no tears. Children can feel confused and misunderstood if they are forced to talk. Believe that your child is doing exactly as your child needs to for himself or herself. There is no question that your child is doing the very best that your child can to discover outlets for how he or she feels.

Children, following trauma or loss, often ask many questions. Questions may be around practical things like: "Will we stay in this house? Will we continue to drive across the bridge? What will happen if you are at work and I am at school?" Sometimes there will questions about life and death. Most often, beneath these questions are two or three basic questions: "Am I safe? Will I survive? Will we be OK?" The best thing to do is to always answer your child's questions as directly and as honestly as possible. "Yes, we will live here. Yes, we will drive across the bridge after they make it safe. If you are at school and I am at work, you will stay at school until I come and get you. I will be there as soon as I can." It is also important to reassure the child as much as possible that he or she will be safe and that the family will be okay. The words are not as important as the tone. Your child will tell by your tone and reassurance whether or not there is reason to be afraid.

A common way that children deal with stress following a trauma is to regress to behaviors or feelings of earlier times.

When children regress, they often temporarily lose their most recently acquired developmental accomplishment. For example, if they were recently toilet trained, they may suddenly have many "accidents". If they've recently started sleeping with the light out, they may be afraid and want the light on at night. It is important to gently accept the behavior and reassure the child that it is okay to do this again. "Everyone gets worried in different ways and soon you'll be able to sleep in the dark, again."

Finally, a traumatic event such as a major disaster increases the importance of the parents in providing additional support for their children. In an environment of care, love, and acceptance, children tend to be able to adjust and to grow up feeling good about their ability to adapt in a changing environment. This is not to say children do not experience fear or anxiety related to the event. However, children are less threatened in a nurturing environment that respects them as unique, worthy, and able to cope.

Should you, as a parent, feel continuing concern that your child is not making a positive adjustment, be sure to ask for help. Talking to other parents whom you trust, to your child's teachers, perhaps to a counselor who specializes in children's development, can help you decide if there is a problem that needs outside help. There are many loving people who are well trained, available, and eager to help. You know your children better than anyone else; trust your instincts about what you and your family need.